Your character is showing….

The empty chair beckons to be filled, to be utilized for what it  was fitted for..

4428C6E8-4A06-425C-81CD-F8BE68A1C7ED

Its scary… and foreboding.. this standing on your own, in your space, and wondering where  on God’s green earth, these individuals that once filled up your life have gotten to?

The chair screams for attention, look at me, concentrate on me… get lost in me.. Don’t move on… If you do.. your brain teases.. it will mean that you have forgotten me.. that I wasn’t very important, that I didn’t count, that my life, while imperfect, and difficult, wasn’t enough , no matter how short your time was on this planet.. you impacted.. you left your footprint upon our very beings .

So.. you concentrate, what was their smell like, their voice, the softness of their  hair between your two fingers.. It feels as if it’s on the periphery of your eye scape .. and yet it is blurry, and cannot quite come into focus.. It’s the misty chilled morning, as you drive down the country road, once familiar, but now thickened with grey fog.  You strain for a glimpse.. to focus..

It is elusive, the standing still, and recognizing the moment for what it is.. It is the missing, and the dreadful “ gone ness “ that emanates from every fiber of your being.

I don’t like standing still much, and I’ve finally figured out the why if it.  It is there as you sit and stare into the unknown, that it catches up with you.. It is lingering and waiting for you to sit alongside this grief parade, yes I said parade, and recognize the futility of the fight, not to feel it. The roller coaster of emotions that swirls within you in any unsuspecting moment of time, threatening to take you down into the abysss, and stop your beating heart.

It’s coming for you.. the surge that starts with the pain in your chest, and raises itself up, until your eyes burn, and the tears well up.. I don’t want the people that I love to be gone.. I just don’t.. I don’t want to feel it, and I definitely don’t want to stay there.

How can life keep moving forward when parts of you are gone… but it does… and it will.

I’ve decided that I’m consuming too much alcohol.  I live alone, and it’s too tempting to drown myself, to dull the edges.. so yesterday, I decided.. enough is enough.. it’s time to feel, substance free…

March is the season when Spring comes, when from somewhere down deep beneath the frozen tundra of the snowy earth, there are those determined sprouts, ready to push and shove their way through …..no matter what.  They were birthed to bloom, and that is their mission…. their goal.

131E00FD-DDA1-4301-8515-F5F676E24125

What if they gave up, and withered away thinking there is no way I can get through all of this ice.. what a loss it would be to not get to see their color.. their beauty.. their uniqueness.

In this new season where our clocks change, and we look forward to the warm sun on our skin,  and the greeneey that will…..

gradually come back into  focus,   the fog of the barren landscape  will indeed  come alive with vibrant splendor.  I’m trying to recognize that it is ok, that I can acknowledge that  yet another season has passed by without them, and I’m still here.

It is not wrong to move on, it does not diminish their importance.  In fact, perhaps this shifting into the challenges ahead somehow gives honour to those that have gone before.

As we experience new growth pangs, sore knees, and feet.. ( speaking for myself,) it is with gratitude that I recognize how blessed I was, and am to have been able to share my life with another that I loved..

The blessing of remembering…

On Sunday, as Mum was visiting overnight, we tuned into “ Flatirons Community Church” live podcast, from Lafayette, Colorado, and listened to the pastor’s words.  It was an unplanned, and rather organic experience.. In my head, I was thinking, I’ve never just “remembered,” and taken communion with my Mum just the “ two of us gathered together” before.  I kept this thought to myself..

A few moments later, while still listening to  the podcast, my Mum said, “ I really miss attending the breaking of bread on a Sunday morning.”

I returned with, “ do you want to do it together now, as they are doing it?”

My Mother nodded her head, and the white curls of her head swayed  back and forth.

She broke the cracker, we shared in it, and each took a sip of the thimble of wine, and prayed, and remembered Jesus death on the cross on our behalf.  We were both in tears, as we shared this most intimate experience.  This was, and will remain, one of the most precious experiences of my life.. I almost couldn’t share this.. it was that private..

0F13CC74-2479-44CB-A6D0-7A3DF55DC7D7

So many gifts, as Ann Voskamp writes, “ 1000 Gifts.” What a difference life makes when we count our gifts, and recognize them as they are occurring.

FFCD6203-AD3D-4FE1-AAC2-883F3EB5F1FDIt makes all the difference I’m finding..

My boss sent me these lovely flowers that I showcased, and I am thankful for my new vocation, challenges, and career goals, that I never realized had been buried beneath that cold frozen tundra for so  long.

It is scary… but I’m thinking feeling scared with anticipation, and by longing, is not the same as the fear of standing still, and never breaking free of bad habits, and hinderences, that are clothed in my insecurities to face what lies next.. whatever it is.. it’s our one life… I want to live it like it’s my last day..

I love that tune by Nickleback,” If today was your last day.”

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.. the little things are really the big things..

Progress.. one moment at a time..

Thinking of, and praying for those that I know, who are living with various kinds of addictions, and asking for strength and perseverance for them to get clean, find their new path, and that they would be able to live in recovery, and know that they, and their loved  ones, are supported, and cared for… you matter..I matter.. we all do.. Whether  the brokenness that we are living in, the battle wounds that scar our bodies… are visible to the naked eye.. or invisible.. I acknowledge it’s all real..

Thinking of my Dad’s empty chair… for all that he taught me, how he loved me, and the incredible legacy he bequeathed his wife, children, and grandchildren.

5E2350E2-D988-4B9B-BE56-7BE06BCE8378

The chair is symbolic, and the old life that they left behind has been replaced by the new life that they are continually living now… This is an astounding, and unbelievable comfort..no more chairs baby.. only wholeness, and newness of spirit.. free of pain, and suffering… that is an incredible gift to lean into..

Making a difference no matter where we are, picking ourselves up, dusting off the old, and being ready for the new buds, the fresh choices, and the forgiving of ourselves for things left behind that cannot be changed.. just accepted, and released..into the present… which as it turns out.. is today..

 


6 thoughts on “Your character is showing….

  1. Touched by your comments jill. One step at a time. and the special chair……thinking of your dear grand mothers ‘ both special ‘ ajm

    Like

  2. so as I was reading and just before the photo of those beautiful flowers (I love the metaphors of a poetic life, they explain feelings so well) I starting singing, ♫when the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long, and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong…just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow, lies the seed that with the sun’s (Son’s 🙂 ) love, in the spring becomes the rose…. I can’t wait for the roses to bloom, and do a little shopping spree with your mom! 🙂 God IS good, all the time, I sure am enjoying this season of our lives He hath brought us together! xo

    Like

    1. That us awesome Shannon.. I’ve always loved that song… every year, sometimes twice a year, I, we(sometimes my kids were/are involved,) we plant a mini rose bush in the wild… sort of like beauty unexpected… That song by Micheal W Smith was one I played with Bianca a lot. There’s one line that stands out for me…” there’s a Rose in the desert, turning red in the drought…”
      It’s so excellent that you and Mum get to spend time together again.. it pleases her so much too… God’s timing… 💜

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for writing and sharing that beautiful and heart tugging piece. It was as if you were sitting across a table and reading it to me. I love you and I support you. I wish we, literally, could be there for each other, empty chairs and all. Keep strong and breathe! Xoxox

    Like

    1. Ahh thank you Amy for your thoughtful and mist welcome words.. I certainly would love that.. it seems that as time marches forward, the yearning to see, and smell them, and kiss their sweet faces intensifies.. I have not unpacked “ Bianca’s boxes” in my house yet. I want to create a quilt from her clothes, but I can’t bear the thought of seeing them, and then cutting them up just yet.. you are right…be strong and breathe… good advice❤️

      Like

Leave a Reply to audrey millard Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s