Jilly Brandon

From my dreams came the notification of a text message.

Is this part of the dream, where am I, what is this noise, what is this beeping sound?

It feels like a clanging alarm in your head, and yet somehow the brain can incorporate this sound into your dream… how does this happen? The sharp “ ding”… then another “ ding” more incessantly this time, has turned into a heart monitor machine at the hospital, and somehow in mid slumber and mid wakefulness, the present dream dips into another avenue.. fascinating.. the adapting of reality into the dream world.

The little ding when I am awake gets me giddy.. am I the only one? Somebody likes me.. somebody has something to say to me, and my heart beats a little faster as I anticipate the message.. it’s like Christmas morning… almost.. before the presents..

The little things that are so important, especially during this pandemic and isolation. The connection to our people is vital, it’s our lifes’ blood trying to keep pumping, and keep our hearts healthy. They are still beating..but we need to hug each other.. we need to touch.. we just do, it’s how we are wired. This isolating from one another really sucks.

Being alone with strangers during this pandemic, and in a hospital by herself, would make anyone fearful. It’s not natural not to get to visit.. it literally is physical pain, not to touch and hold my Mum’s hands, and comfort her.

I understand all the reasons, we all do, but something I noticed yesterday while out getting supplies is the look in peoples’ eyes.

People are downcast.. They are sad and withdrawn.

Where is the humor and the smiles?

They are covered by masks. No smiling to see.. what kind of world is this, where we can’t see the smile from a stranger… it is depressing.

The sense of staring at one another, wondering who is a carrier of this virus, makes for anxiety, dread, foreboding , and accusatory glances.. how could it not . Anyone could be a carrier hiding in plain sight.

It’s disturbing how being in Loews yesterday was a quieting , standing in the right place, follow the arrows experience.

I remarked to an older than me lady, who I think smiled behind her mask, “ this is like being in Ikea, with all the arrows.”

She just nodded.

I picked up a magazine titled “ Hungry Girl,” because I was, and there were different tacos depicted on front.. so duh.. I needed to make them.. pronto.. if not sooner. They say not to grocery shop when you are hungry, so maybe when I saw this magazine while hungered, the same message applied.. it said.. “ buy me .. buy me..” so I did .

When I passed by a lady on her phone standing near a big empty box, it was hard to navigate by keeping 6’ apart, I said to her, While trying to pass her…

“ you could jump in the box?..”

I was just trying to be playfully helpful, add a little forgotten humor to the day.

She was not amused.. and just stared at me like I had 4 heads.. you know .. a jack in the box.. it just struck my funny bone . I guess you had to be there, and she apparently at that moment, wished that she wasn’t, and neither was I.

Next was a trip to the Dollar store which does not disappoint. Why am I always going in the opposite direction of the arrows on the floor.. truly.. what is wrong.. I get distracted.. at every turn.. and yesterday.. I saw polka dots.. and so my heart leapt in my chest at napkins.. people… How can these simple dots make me so happy.. but they do.. they are cheery. You can’t wear polka dots, or be around them and be sad.. It may even be a scientific phenomenon.. I have not a clue.. because Im no scientist.. but they bring smiles the way, Dot, my polka dotted beetle car used to , or boots… or mittens ..

I consider these necessary. Why have plain white when you could have color? Do we want a black and white world? We were so happy when black and white TVs become color.. it was as if heaven turned on its glorious light, and the rainbow of multiple sensations of splendor spilled into our living rooms.

When I got up to the register, I handed my purchase to the cashier. I was about to get out my credit card from my wallet, when the young man said,

“ that will be $15.00.,”

“What, wait … I have cash.”

“Do you still take cash,” I inquired?

He nodded, and I can’t recall if he was wearing a mask.

I responded with,” you can clean it, and then it will be laundered cash.”

He looked a me skeptically, as if to say, “ is this woman alright in the head?”

I can’t read thoughts, although sometime I think I can, but are we missing laughter now? Has it gone away?… I don’t like that thought.

I know I’m a cornball, but I guess I was trying to lighten the mood.

He kinda smiled, but because I craved a white gleam of white teeth type smile, I continued on….

“ sorry coved humour..”

Success.. the other cashier giggled.. and I felt better.. we connected.. just for a moment, an interaction with a stranger, a meeting of the eyes, and sharing of my lame humor. I felt lighter, and as I left I said goodbye to the girl behind me in line.. because .. well.. we had bonded in a way just over a simple social interaction… it felt good. It was pouring rain, but through it, I sensed she was nervous, and alone. Her cheeks were pink, as if embarrassed, but her eyes glistened with the raindrops that were now not tears.

More polka dots.. and now fruit is introduced..

I just read this verse from “The Passion Translation,” of the Bible..

“The splendor of heaven’s glorious sunrise is about to break upon us in holy visitation, all because the merciful heart of our God is so very tender. The word from heaven will come to us with dazzling light to shine upon those who live in darkness, near death’s dark shadow. And he will illuminate the path that leads to the way of peace.”( Luke 1:78,79)

And so it’s time to take a walk this am.. birds are chirping in their light hearted and glorious way, and there is not a mask amongst them, homemade or otherwise. One black squirrel was running with what appeared to be a bun in his mouth. Another guy was in hot pursuit, and they dig zagged through my front and back yard at full tilt. A third joined in and the chase kept on.

It was terribly exciting.. If I had known how to add musical accompaniment to this happening I would have done so. My son Logan could probably come up with something for that.

The simplest of occurrences right now feel very important.

My mind is running amuck, and a daily walk is helpful to keep my train on its tracks.. it’s a time for praying for my people, for the day, for the immediate future, and for those who govern us.. it’s about being thankful, and asking for wisdom in decision making just for today. That’s about all I can do.. a day at a time..

The hospital where my Mum is residing at, is itching to discharge her, and so we are planning for her needs, for her next move.

I miss her… looking in on her, fetching things from the store for her, outings, and meals together. I understand in my head why I can’t visit, but my heart is another matter.. it doesn’t like this isolation… at all.

My windows are open and the cool fresh breeze floats in along with multiple bird songs.. The sun is shining, and the rains of yesterday are helping plants sprout upward to feel the warmth and the light.

The day feels hopeful.. anything is possible.. new plans are forming, and even though present circumstances feel difficult, just listening, walking and praying… and yes even singing my way along.. lightens the mood.

I’m out on a search for a smile or two..