Jilly Brandon

So.. apparently this feeling that I’ve swallowed a fork, and it went down sideways, is a thing.  For about 6 months now, I keep feeling like something has been literally stuck in my neck, making it feel like I have swallowed a large vitamin, and it’s lodged there…immovable.

I’ve had my thyroid checked, and had my neck and glands grasped… but come to find out, it can be a psychosomatic thing… who knew?.. not me… I have bern awakened in the night trying hard to swallow my saliva, and felt like I was choking, and that my spit was like wallpaper paste in my throat.  I have never experienced anything like this before.

It has been a frightening thing!  I’m not sure if others have ever felt this, but this is a fresh new sensation for me…

I did contemplate a diet of ice cream and popsicles, but I’m already doing that.. so… what  else could be tried?

Last time I was in Colorado, a good friend of mine who had known  that I have been having some “ knife in the lower back” ailments, combined with the sensation of having swallowed a horse pill for a Clydesdale, suggested I try an acupuncturist.

I was skeptical, to say the least, but really was willing to try just about anything to gain some relief, and certainly open to trying something knew to aid in solving this rather anxious sensation in my throat.

This acupuncturist performed a “ dry needling” technique on me, and also suggested that I  read an article describing, “ Plum Pit Qi.”  I was so “ gobsmacked” as to what this article had to say..

This strange feeling is a thing felt by other humans..It always is so encouraging to know that you are not alone in an ailment, that others have experienced this same set of sensations.   Imagine my relief to know that there were others feeling this tightening, and horrifying feeling.  I was intrigued..

The article describes it this way.   “The  Chinese believe that Plum Pit Qi is the result of a situation that is figuratively too hard to swallow, so it gets caught in your throat, and won’t budge.”

All I was reduced to saying when reading this was, well this is certainly profound on so many levels.   I had no conceivable idea that these specific things that I was working through in my life  mentally, trying to understand, and grasp, could look like this, and that it could present itself with physical minifestations.

I needed to know more.  The knife in my back  feeling turns out, is a thing too…

It can all circle around stress, and the prolonged arena of grief that we are immersed in, when accumulated loss pours down all around a person.

It feels like a waterfall of thick lava is surrounding you, and your limbs feel heavy, and unable to push the thick, choking, hot liquid off.

The feeling of a sharp knife being pushed into your lower back, is literally a sensation that is so intense and profound, the only thing that relieves it, is ice applied to the area, and laying on the floor in the fetal position on top of the ice.

It is so interesting that these two physical manifestations can be the combination of mental stress, grief, and the possible looking back at something, that you are  still trying to work your way through.  I would much rather go around this, then through it, but by doing this, this running, or avoiding, my body is suffering the consequences in s very “ real time” kind of way.

The more I read about these connections, the more amazed, and transfixed that I am at the human body, and the amount of mental, and physical strain that it can endure.

It is the most complicated, astoundingly intricate creation.  I am in awe.

I’ve heard it said that when a baby is born, and everything is intact, and perfect.. it is miraculous.  I think this is so well said.  Having birthed babies that were perfect, my two sons, Zach, and Logan, then giving birth to my stillborn son, Jessie, then my daughter Bianca, I feel able to understand just how accurate this statement is.

Birth is a miracle.  As a Mother who has experienced an early miscarriage too, the physical strain that your body goes through, as it mourns the too early loss of a pregnancy is profound.  I do not hear this talked about.

I did not know that when I delivered a non living little baby boy, who was just 4 months in my womb, and who fit completely into the palm of my hand, that my body would go into a state of shock… Nobody prewarmed me of this strange occurrence.

I felt cold afterwards.. my body shook, and my teeth chattered, and the warming blanket that they placed all around me, could not take the chill from inside of me.

The hospital room where he was born was eeerilly silent….

This little life was gone, before ever getting to take his first breath.

Very soon afterwards, milk begins to come into my breasts because I’ve had a baby, and my body is simply responding to the fact that it needs to provide nourishment to my infant.  It can not differentiate that the baby did not survive.

I was instructed to “ bind my breasts” with “ ace wrap,” or “ tensor wrap bandages,” tightly, so that the milk flow would gradually stop.

I can’t temember how long this took, only that the mental anguish was fierce.  The migraine headaches came on like a continual onslaught of freight trains, and the dizzying sensation of spinning out of control was all consuming to  me.

My body was confused.  It felt the loss, and pain in a physical, and mental way.  The automatic way that I know to take care of myself was to try and just push through it, in a way, just try and gloss over the fact that a death had occurred.  I did not want to stay in this place… but then… who does?

Perhaps, the physical ailments catch up to us all down the road, if we do not address the mental anguish of our losses along the way?

I do know that working with a therapist that can assist in unraveling my specific set of life experiences has been highly beneficial.  It is uncomfortable, and unpleasant to continue in grief, but I am also finding that sharing openly in a controlled, and confidential setting has  been a cathartic, and healing process.

As my therapist says, when I inquire about things that I’m experiencing, and then learning to move forward, I ask myself this question, “ will this help your healing, or hurt your healing?”

Asking for assistance to navigate through difficult life circumstances, and inquiring with others who have walked the path before, has certainly been so beneficial in future decision making.

Sometimes It seems that my collective bag of data of information is overflowing, but “ I get by with a little help from my friends,” and this is extremely comforting to acknowledge, and I’m so grateful for this.

Watching other people work through their stuff in creative, and ingenuitive ways is extremely inspiring, and uplifting.

I paddled alongside my cousin Jennifer the other day, in a kayak, as she swam a great distance on the lake .  This was was extremely encouraging to see her reaching toward a specific goal.

Her front crawl stroke was steady, and rhythmic, steadfast.  She is showing her children by her actions that any goal worth pursuing, is worth the hard work, and dedication to get there.

I am very proud of her.  Her sister in law , Joy paddled the paddle board on the other side of her, and we chatted along our hour ride.  It was a great exchange of stories.  It felt like an honor to surround Jennifer, and be her “ body guards” or “life guards” along the way.

I’m thinking that we all need “life guards” in our lives.  Those wonderful people who are willing to come alongside us, and are not frightened by the messes of our lives.  These people stick.  They don’t run when they view our broken hearts, and shattered dreams.

As I share my story, they will share theirs, and continual closeness occurs, and this  becomes triumph over shame, grief, and loss.  When I open myself up, another does the same, and we find we are never alone in this  place.  There are others who have been there, and have kept on… taking a new path, a new fork is in the road, and maybe the fork in my throat will dissolve, and this road that  I didn’t anticipate traveling…. will be fulfilling in ways that I can’t even imagine?