Jilly Brandon

This phrase can leave me to wondering….exactly where do all roads lead?  Do they lead me to you, to him, her, them?  Or is it to a more specific place, a plateau after a rigorous climb up a steep mountain face?  Is it to the resting and knowing place that I am where I am  supposed to be?

If I ask around, I will get a great many answers to this query.  Believe me when I say… I have asked a lot.. I have been very unsure as to my own voice.. When did I lose this confidence?  Is  this just a natural phenomenon that occurs for a person when they reach a crossroad, a fork or knife in the road, and the distance ahead that used to be certain, is no longer that way.  In fact now it doesn’t seem straight at all, it appears filled with dust, debris , mud and sludge….and it’s crooked…

Just take the next step is what people say.. tie up your tennis shoes, or whatever appropriate footwear, and venture on ahead.

In theory this makes perfectly good sense..” In theory,” is what I said.  I can dole it out, but can I follow what I say… not hardly..

I walked on a new path this morning.  It is the Trans Canada Trail.  I didn’t pass a person for quite some time, and because I have a rather  active imagination , and I’m a big old chicken, I thought, this would be a great spot to get murdered.  Dark, I know, but like I said, the things that can be conjured up in my head are sometimes filled with exceedingly great angst, and dread.  I have had, bad, and scary dreams since I was a child.  I’m not sure why….

It was only about 7:00 am on a blossoming, and potentially sunlit,  type of morning, and my only company was the sweet chirping of the birds.

I shifted my brain around to focus on the Spring air, and the sounds of rushing water, as the stream  spilled over the pebbles along its path.  There are always perceived dangers on any path, but does that mean, a person should stay secure in the known, and not dip a toe in the next, rather ominous unknown twisty trail ahead?

I know the answer to this question, because I have posed it to myself repeatedly over the last 10 months.  It began to intensify after we sold our family home in Colorado.  I could not even conceive the places that I’ve been in this last year…some planned, but a lot,simply no plan at all… just  by the seat of my pants.  I jumped into things, and leaped, when it would have made more sense to stay, to choose… to rest, and be still.

It seems a struggle to just sit, to feel, to let the emotions flow out unhindered like the fresh flow of water over rock.

I have been given a fresh opportunity to try out a new job.  I’m excited about the possibilities, but apprehensive too.  What if I’m not good enough, or my work disappoints?

Re-entering the work force after being at home for 25 years with the kids is a freaky kinda venture.

It would be so natural for me to stay in a caregiving role, because this work is natural and comfortable to me.  I know it, I breathe, it.  It’s what you would call a second nature.  I know for many that this is not the case.  They may be doing the opposite to me, in that they need to now come home, and care for a loved one, who needs their help at home.

This is a transitory feeling.  Change is challenging.

This week has been filled with meeting many new people, and with proving to myself that no matter what, new experiences are good for growth, and brain expansion.

There are certain things that will remain..” faith…hope….Love.”

“ The greatest of these is love..”  If I move, and live and breathe, and exist in any environment where I’m not practicing these, I am undone, bewildered, and disheartened.

I listen to the sounds of gentle rain falling like tears enough to cleanse the earth of its sorrow. I can feel the dampening of the dirt, and more singing from the  birds, brings much needed hope.

The simple luxurious sounds of life…. so oftened deadened by the loud clanging of voices in my head. There is noise that will take over if I let it.  It is a choice….

Last night, I attended a “ Girl’s Night,” in the town of Carp.  There were 900 women there dressed in every kind of Western wear I could imagine.  It was brilliant.

More plaid, and carefully curled locks, extended eyelashes, and ruby lips .. blue jeans, and cowboy boots, that I’ve seen in one arena in quite some time.

The boys in the band, yes, I just said that, were enjoying the adoration  of female fans, and a bucketload of estrogen was  coming their way..from every angle.

They were  kicking it with country music, and moves that made us all swoon.  We danced, and sang along, clapping our hands in the air, and stomping our heels  in unison , to our deafening delight.

Of course,  a Girls Night with a  Country theme would be remiss if there was not an electric bull to ride.

I believe my record was quite  possibly the shortest, with perhaps a 9 second stint.  Some gals were staying atop the mighty pretend animal for minutes, waving their hats in the air, and throwing back their heads with a carefree exuberance that made us all laugh out loud.

A multitude of women of all shapes and sizes stood around the ring taking photos, and cheering on every brave, if not inebriated woman, who dared to challenge the rubber horned bull.

It would seem that any activity that brings us back into the pure enjoyment of “ letting ourselves go,” is something that we unconsciously seek.  There is something wonderful that happens when women cheer on other woman.  It is respect…it us camaraderie…

This job that I was  trying on may not be the right fit for me at this time… the jury is still out for now.  This is ok… The saying, “ nothing ventured, nothing gained,”’comes to mind.

The importance of being present in any given situation, and giving it your all that you have to give is the reward… being true to yourself, even if you are the only one who gets you.

Driving yourself to the place where you thought you could not endure, and pushing through the cobwebs of hurt from yesterday, is something I’m learning is a powerful thing.

It is very personal to stand alone, looking in a mirror, knowing yourself more, and hopefully always willing to love greatly, no matter what the cost.

It is always worth it, even when the outcome is less than you hoped it would be.

Family members, and friends are facing challenges ahead that would seem daunting.  It is such an honor to stand beside them as they face failing health, and all that entails.  Some  will require  open heart surgery this week. and the recovery that comes after.  There are  crumbling marriages, and feebleness of the mind, that surrounds  on all sides.A dear friend of mine  will bury her father, and another will struggle to make sense of her shattered dreams.. There is much to attempt to comprehend….

There is however, a peace that cannot be explained when I release my control on the thing that I perceived I needed to conquer….

I am grateful, yet again, to continue to learn about grace…. It is of utmost importance..

It has been extended to me multiple times, so how could I ever withhold it from another?

This is us…. blurry though we may be… there are friendships that are given to you in life that are so precious, there are just no words left on this planet to describe them…

Allowing myself to be vulnerable in the work place, acknowledging where I fail, seeking to educate, and learn a new way has been exhilarating.

The people who stay.. who uphold you no matter what, are the uncommon threads that bind me to them, and them to me.  They are strong, and intact, tougher than they appear at first glance.

The weaving together of our lives is not accidental, it is profoundly moving, and the unique  choreography,  is the intricate dance of life….

It is amazing.. this grace that is held out …to me… to you… to all of us…

Reaching into the unknown… or simply sharing a cup or tea, with a newfound friend…. this is joy.