It was calling for snow this weekend, but a Spring Storm seemed just about due right now.
This time away with my first born son had been planned for months. The idea to follow our dreams landed us in this space in time, that apparently also involved an abundance of the white and fluffy stuff.
He picked me up from the airport on Friday, and as par usual in Colorado, the sky was an incredible blue, with spotty clouds on the horizon. The air was still pretty warm, and a breeze wafted my hair about my face. The smell of airline fuel lingered, and I searched for his red pick up to come and collect me.
He arrived, wearing a slight grin to his face, and absently tweaking his beard with one hand. Always when seeing your child, no matter the age, a thrill of delight in my brain goes off. I just love him, simple and plain.
The week before had been spent with my Mum up in Canada, at her home. It was a trip I had wanted to make, but also it felt necessary to pay her a visit.
She had not been feeling well. She was ailing..Lots was going on with her physically which was putting her in pain and discomfort. She was not eating very well, was fretful, and I was growing increasing concerned with her health.
Because my passport was still “in process,” I had decided, upon recommendations from the Canadian Passport Office, that driving into the country was the better, and more accepted way to go.
My plane was late, I know big news flash, and when I eventually got hitched with my “Kia Sol” it was 10:30, and I was tired. It was a 2 hour journey, but I was determined to arrive alive. I rolled down my window, and the crisp night air stirred my senses into driving focus.
My Mum, ” bless her heart,” (for all you Southern folks,) was wide awake, and swung open her big front door , or was it the back, in warm welcome.
The next morning, I groggily awoke on the couch in her room to the distinct scent of coffee brewing close to my nostrils.
We chatted, and I could feel the love radiating from her eyes towards me…it felt so good to be loved this way. The unconditional love from your Mother…it does not get old. I felt like I could inhale and exhale a tad easier now. She was ok. She was slimmer, and pale looking, and her eyes also looked darkly circled. She was not feeling well..I could see it…I know her well.
There were doctors to call, and results to talk over, and I noticed that all this was taking its toll on her. We discussed her ailments at great length, but it never occurred to me, until a few days later, that there was a battle of the mind going on too, and one that needed careful exploration to release.
When loss and hurt happen I was to discover, there are many sinister elements that are overlooked for a time. We try to just exist from day to day, and often we don’t audibly discuss the torturous thoughts running helter skelter through our noggins.
Perhaps we recoil from bringing up the obvious pain which we know is on our minds, and I believe that we think we are protecting one another from further anguish by keeping thoughts buried, and unspoken?
I was to witness firsthand through my Mother, how keeping thoughts in, and anger and hurt tightly jailed in our minds, can cause devastating physical effects on the body.
This was amazing to me, as I encouraged my Mother to set her thoughts free, to watch her speak them out loud, to purge, to be angry, that the injustice of life seemed to throw us a line. She balled, and her words rolled away from her tongue unhindered, and from her hurt inside. It was like a steam roller was passing through her.
After the sobbing, and she was able to take a deep breath, and wipe her eyes, and blow her nose…we simply sat together, side by side, and I held her hand.
“Do you feel better?” I inquired.
“Yes,” she answered tentively, ” I think I really do,”
“Perhaps a weight has been lifted, and now you have let it all go?” I said.
” you know, I think you could be right..” She remarked.
I could tell, even in that moment, that the air had changed..something had shifted.
i think it’s important to note, that for the past two days my Mother and I had prayed together. I prayed over her tummy, and we had prayed for healing of her discomfort.
its always a wonder to me that prayers seldom get answered in the way we think they will. We had been trying to get surgery booked for her, with the help of my sister in law too. To no avail. It was astounding to me to watch the Canadian medical system at work. It can be safely said that rushing is not part of the equation. Just wow, I could set off on quite a tirade regarding socialized medicine right now, but I shall refrain…and you are welcome.
My Mother’s morale and demeanor changed remarkably over the next few days. Had I not been there to see the before and after affects, I may have scoffed at the change.
Barbara, my Mothers’ trusted home health companion would tell me how she was astounded at the change in my Mothers’ state of mind and her physical issues. She told me that for the past number of weeks she had not been doing well at all.
Ladies and Gents…you just got to let it all out. Bottling up our emotions and our raw hurt will make you ill. I was seeing this first hand, and it seriously blew my feeble mind. I could see the relief and change in my beloved Mother. I was so grateful…
Lesson learned…if you hold in your hurt and pain, you will get a stomach ache, amongst other things, which I’m not quite at liberty to mention.
Snowed in with my son in Colorado Springs for a Writers Convention makes my heart happy. Ordering room service 3 times in one day is also good! Also, just for the record are peculiar flavored Canadian chips and cheesies.
We attended lectures, went to interviews, and we wrote, shared our writings, and we talked, we let our feelings out. There was nowhere to go, the flakes from the sky made sure if that. It was awesome….
I love hotels, and warm and cozy beds, with soft sheets, and tons of pillows…. And naps…yes..glorious naps…Outside the Spring Storm rages, while here in the cocoon of our oasis…time stands still, and we are held. I can feel it.
“The winter of my mind is enclosing on the Spring of my youth.”
Thinking about this past week and weekend shared with two of my most favorite people, I am humbled yet again, and aware of how easily one can pass through a situation, and not realize how incredibly special and truly excellent it is.
” Humility beckons the soul, beseeching it enter in to find itself again in the gentle nurture of the caregiver. It is a prized place, and filled with much wonder. To be able to anticipate the innate needs of another in such a primal and personal way is sacred. One should enter into this spot as one entering into the holy of holies.”
Gratitude of heart just really changed a thing. Looking at life and realizing how profoundly quickly everything can change is sobering for sure.
These moments spent with our loved ones are gifts to the extreme, and if I don’t be in the moment I will surely miss them. Often times a good ole fashioned snow storm is just the ticket to get a person to do just that. Discussing writing, genres we like and don’t like, and just connecting soul to soul is a precious and poetic connection that I shall treasure always.
There really are so many moments in my life that have taken my breath away. Some great, and some incredibly bad, and horribly painful. To share emotions with your family members, and have them trust you with their heart and feelings is the best thing ever.
Taking the time to love on, and sit still in the storm of this life takes presence of mind. I want to be present. I want my mind to focus on the right here and right now…it’s not perfect, but it is ours, and it matters…we all matter…