If sorrow had a name it could be called silence. Perhaps it’s only in the still and the quiet that one is faced with oneself. The company of one..what are your thoughts, your hopes, your fears? What things have you left unsaid in this life, what pain have you hidden from others, and in the moment when you gaze into the mirror, who is this person who peers back at you? Wandering about in my mind are my memories, my experiences of late. Sitting in the stillness of loss and pain is a very lonely place to be. There is this innate discomfort when you grieve. Mistakenly you feel that you are experiencing reality, but I wonder if this present time is even real. I suppose this time seems surreal..an obtuse shape that does not fit my circumstance. Feelings are distorted, love is lost, and your once present joy feels a thing of the past. This is an alternative reality, and I cling to the miniscule possibility that it is not true.
I want to go back. I want to rewrite my past. This is not unusual I know. We all replay things that have gone wrong in our lives, and for some inexplicable reason we often don’t center on the very many important things that have gone right. It seems a paradox of the human condition that it is easier to concentrate on our faults, rather than center ourselves on our greatest assets….ourselves. Human beings are extraordinary. The things and experiences, the untold horrors that they crawl through, the perservering in circumstances that are unimaginable….just boggle the mind. Even though for some self destroying reason we seem to remember only the mistakes we have made, and push under the rug, so to speak our greatest assets, we still hope for the future. Somehow when tragedy, and incredible loss arrive at our doorsteps, and we crumble under its’ weight…we still fight…we still press on. This really quite simply baffles my mind. How can we do this? Are we able to because of true examples of heroes and heroines that have gone before us…people we can hold up as examples for us to follow? People are inspired by those who suffer. We are because to be alive, and in tune with your present state means to experience suffering. We fear going unnoticed in this state, and yet so often we choose isolation because we mistakenly believe that nobody wants to hear about what makes you hurt. This is wrong, this is fallacy. If you choose to love, then you will suffer for it. This is truth. Love makes you vulnerable, we somehow forget this, and think that this time it will not injure your soul when you watch someone that you love and adore be sick, have disease, and eventually perish. To love is to lose, but not to love is to not truly ever live. I’m sure I’m misquoting a quote from somebody important there, but please forgive me, because I don’t feel like searching for who said it best. At nighttime my mind seems to wake up, and it’s then that it demands an explanation for things I have done, things I have said. Sleep is long elusive, silent prayers have been uttered, dawn is arriving yet again with the fragrant promise of a golden sunrise, a cool morning walk, and a couple of beagles to accompany me. The morning fills me with promise, and yet again I tell myself I will eat only healthy foods, not drink too much wine, read my bible, pray more, and love better, and forgive always. Hopefully by lunch I will possibly have kept to maybe 1 or 3 of these goals….probably just the “not too much wine” concept…true thought.
A few few days ago I returned home to see that some of the horses from a neighboring Horse Farm had broken free of their fences, or somebody had left the gate open, and they were making a “run for it.” Freedom perhaps they were thinking, no more barns, stalls, pastures with walls….we are making a get away. There was something so wildly beautiful to see them running in unison, with a crazy happy go lucky confusion though our street. It struck me that they didn’t seem to have the slightest idea of where they were going, only that the excitement of a new adventure was right there for the taking. As they ran about together..six of them in total, not once did they stumble into each other, or trample on their fellow escapee. This was mesmerizing to me. They were completely excited, but even in this, they seemed to respect the others’ space, and were thrilled with this wonderful opportunity. My son Logan, filmed them clip clopping about on our street, and several neighbors came out to witness the spirit of the horses. My immediate thought was…Bianca would have loved this, she would have laughed, and squealed with utter rapture. One of the best qualities if being her was the total lack of fear in the face of danger. If six full groan mares were funning full out towards her, she would welcome them with glee. What must it be like to live a life with no fear. She certainly never feared any animal, but humans..well..I know there were some she was not too fond of. Interesting that people create fear for one another. Animals sense who is their predator, and who wants them for dinner, and they attempt to steer clear of their adversary, but we upright walkers, with the highly advanced brains,(some more than others..not gonna lie,) will put ourselves in grave danger just so we don’t hurt our potential predators’ feelings…What are we thinking? There’s being kind, then there’s just being completely stupid. We have become a culture that is so busy trying to make everybody feel needed and validated, that we don’t even make any sense sometimes. I always used to snicker when I was around a horse and somebody would tell me, “it’s ok, they won’t hurt you, but just don’t let them smell your fear!” I’m thinking, ” well it’s a little late for that seeing as I am already petrified, but trying to act casual. There are things we should fear/respect from the outset. In my opinion the Creator of the Universe is one of them, but that’s just me. Horses, lions and dinosaurs would be in a close run for second. Hatred and bigotry is definitely up there, but lately one of the things I’m learning to fear is my own lack of forgiveness. Why does it seem so much easier to stand on the side of what we perceive to be right and true, and in doing so, can become completely arrogant in our own self righteousness. One of my favorite all time quotes is from the little green most knowledgable Yoda from The Star Wars movies.
“Fear leads to anger
Anger leads to hate
Hate leads to suffering.”
I remember hearing that spoken years ago, and it stuck with me. Wise words I think. I wrote it down on a sticky note and it has remained tucked in my bible ever since. I think it’s message is profound, and I’m finding that right now I need reminders to not be fearful, but to have faith. We screw up our lives consistently, we hurt those that we claim to love, and we withhold forgiveness likes its some kind of grand prize that should be out of reach. I guess you could say that I’m feeling convicted in my heart about these issues so I’m coming clean and saying that my unforgiving heart needs a major rehaul in the department of fear and letting go. I’m a “work in progress,” but so are we all…..if we are truthful. We are not there yet…..
Jilly Brandon 