And I do believe ladies and gentlemen, that I indeed am stuck…wedged at the bottom of this tube, precariously balancing my “special needs ” daughter atop my lap in a tube because of course I got the “not so brilliant” idea that I should attempt this activity…sounded like a plan, where nothing out of the ordinary could conceivably go wrong…haha…how do I get myself into these “pickles?” I mean my philosophy for this life has generally been, act first…speak first..think much later on down the road… and then attempt to get myself out of the “said situation” with as much dignity as possible…I must start thinking first…what the h–ll is wrong with me?
As my son starts the boat, and I feel the gentle tug of the rope, and feel ourselves begin to be pulled along slightly in the lovely lapping water… I start to smile, thinking we did it, we are taking Bianca tubing, albeit not at a breakneck speed, but we are at least creating a wake behind us.. I feel proud, then I look up at my daughter ..and ..well..she looks to be having a not such a great time…c’mon…we are in the tube, you like the water…enjoy yourself dammit!… Sorry..not sorry it’s what I thought. We were pulled gently around the bay and finally came to rest just in front of the dock…I was boiling hot…she was not smiling, and again I reminded myself..self..sometimes your “brilliant” ideas could use a little, or quite a lot of tweaking! I thanked my boys for all of their efforts for this encounter, and hope somehow that they know my heart was in the right place….maybe…maybe not, and how grateful I am that we made this effort…I think they get it…because it was effort for them too, and they showed grace and love…it don’t get much better than that.
This morning was that kind of morning. I had decided that I wanted to get out to church, so after a marathon of showering my daughter and I, and getting us dressed, and in our right minds..( ok so maybe I am in my right mind…well then again maybe not,) and Bianca is not, because well she is mentally challenged, so I’m not at all sure what her right mind looks like?….just a bit of “handicrap humor,” as I lovingly refer to it, we go out to the garage and take the brief, and not very exhilarating ride down the elevator one floor…but not before getting in a huge fight with my husband!… I know right?..again..a case of my wide mouthy grin getting me into more deep dodo, and all before 10:10 am. Sometimes you are more mad than you realize before opening your mouth, and then..there it is..the …eruption has happened, and there is no way to stuff the mean and unsavory words back in from whence they came… I loaded Bianca into the car after my very special and thought evoking tirade, then proceeded to break into tears….what in the name of the only Holy One is wrong with me? I drove off to church through blurry vision, and tried to listen to some music to calm myself down. I parked, and joined in with the other minions going into the front entrance. I decided I would try and sign her up again for the “special needs ” class offered, just to see if she would like it. I got her all signed in, then a very polite escort accompanied us to her class. As we entered..everybody stared..and who doesn’t ever get tired of that,(she said in a very sarcastic voice,) and a lovely woman with a name tag came over to make our acquaintenance. “Hi there.” Me…”Hi”, and how old is your daughter?”… ” she is 17,” I said…”oh”, she said looking a tad uancomfortable…this class only goes to middle school, so you would need to come back to the one class was at 9 am?”… Hmm.. I thought..but I’m at the 11am one”..” You will need to take her into the service today.” “ok,” I said and agreed…Keep it together was what I was telling myself, you already cried your quota of tears today.,so NO MORE….unfortunately your heart and your head , at least mine, never seem to have conversations with each other..,so I did what any Mother would do in this situation, and put on my sunglasses, because, if you didn’t know this, nobody can see you cry beneath your sunglasses..they have special powers?..don’t chat know? I walked out of the room, looking like a lofty rock star and wearing dark glasses indoors, when I was not blind or famous….just sad…..
When I walked into the main auditorium the music erupted like an earth quake…holy cow… That is loud I remember thinking..then I look down to my daughter..and oh my…the loud music must have startled her, and she is crying and wailing, looking so completely afraid…oh dear…wrong decision #9657… I pulled quickly into a “parking spot” amongst the chairs, along the back wall, and tried to hide us away.. Thankfully we were under the cover of darkness, and people filed through, and I tried to quiet her down…but…wow…she was completely freaked out….and then..yes..oh this morning gets ever so much better, for the piece de resistance…an older, and adorable looking elderly woman came across our path…and yep..you guessed it, she tripped over my daughters’ foot rest on her wheel chair and took the most fantastic header..full out…hands somewhere, and unable to catch herself, landed directly upon her chin. I think I was in shock, I know she was…I sprang to my feet and attempted to haul her to her feet..,she was muttering something about being ok, and I thought..lady, if you could have witnessed what I just saw..you would not be saying that….another young man helped me to help her, and She said she was ok, and moved off…I was thinking to myself..what a fantastic fall…I glanced back at my daughter, and she was still wailing, and very upset…I pondered my situation, and then hastily thought..sometimes it’s just time to cut and run…let yourself escape…run like the wind, and get outta there….and so I did. My sunglasses had mysteriously found their way back onto my face, which was a good thing, cuz once again my tears began to flow, which really worked out if you think about it, cuz Bianca was still at it…and now we were running blindly towards the exit, hoping to find our way out to the van before seeing anyone that we recognized………Well…that was a mess, to utter the worlds biggest understatement, ever uttered…is it too late for a do over of our day? Don’t you sometimes feel as if everything seems against you just getting to church? Seriously, that was my singular goal for this morning, and how had it gone so array?…I almost wanted to laugh at the absurd hilarity of the moment. As I rested back in my van, and quieted my daughter down, I sat back, just breathed the air,(that seemed like enough to do right then, ) and shook my head…Well I guess sometimes, getting out is the best thing to do…
My mind wandered back again to the lake..to the calm of the water, and I contemplated just drifting away, finding a place of rest on this Sunday afternoon, and I was glad that this morning had passed, but I was frustrated at the number of obstacles that get thrown into ones’ path along the way, when it seems like all you are doing is trying to get to church…it’s almost as if there was an army against you, that would do absolutely anything to break you down, discourage you, and get you to give up.
I’m not the giving up type, but I certainly do get plenty weary. I’m so glad that the kids and I took this RV adventure together, and that we built more memories, and experienced so much, and just because a Sunday morning threatened to steal my joy, and tried to attempt to make me think that everything that can go wrong will, I’m choosing to believe, there is still a way….even if it feels elusive, that we will fall..(great cataclysmic) falls, and somehow we will get up unscathed, and ready to go again, and conquer the next mighty obstacle in our path, and there will be a way, it may not be the way we thought we would go, but there surely will be a way. To find the courage to go on, to find the humor and the laughter that’s begs for just a simple smile…the acknowledgement…that there will be better days..and worse ones..but finding the laughter the joy…..is what makes the lake seem calm.
3 thoughts on “And she floated out into the lake…and there she stayed…”
I always appreciate your honesty and good heart, Jill. This most certainly will speak to many and help someone else who can relate to the Sunday struggle, especially someone who has a child with special needs. God bless you and the lil’ miss!
Jill….As Susan’s mom I could imagine and follow along with you during your day. It was so refreshing to see how you managed to make the best of the situation, realized it certainly won’t be the last, and continued to just get ready for the “next adventure”. Susan is lucky and blessed to have you as a friend! Jean Jacobson
“The Lady of the Lake”!
My Bible study thoughts: Perhaps there is a spiritual picture for us all. God grants us freedom to choose – go against His original design and end up serving His eventual goal. “This is transformational – the way we view both good and bad things. Good things – such as health, talent, and money – we can present to God as offerings to serve His purposes. And bad things – disability, poverty, family dysfunction, failure – can be redeemed as the very instruments that drive us to God.”
“With the Lord, victory is assured, no matter how the board of life may look at any given moment.”
Romans 8:21; 2 Peter3:13
“When we can’t see God’s hand, we can trust His heart.”
Prayer: Dear Lord, I’m grateful that in all of life Your purposes are being accomplished. May I learn to have open hands – to accept whatever You give to me and whatever You take from me. Help me to trust Your heart. Amen.