Jilly Brandon

Pardon me if I obsess over this floating bliss of laying flat out face to the sky on the top of the lake.

I’m on “Topajo”, or as I now realize in a lightbulb moment, on the top of Lake Joe, the most northern point in Hamer Bay, on the lake.

The world goes away the moment my hands point towards the depth of blue, and I anticipate like a dog drooling for a treat what that first slice of hands in water will feel like. It will change my perspective anew, with the welcome enveloping of peace…and still.

Below the surface… it is another world.

There is no sound, there is only sensation.. and to me.. rapture…a new world of carefree possibilities as I plunge below. It feels like sanctuary here.. protection from the air breathing humans who can hurt you.

“Lord, listen to my heart’s cry, for I know your love is real for me; breathe life into me again by the revelation of your justice.” Psalm 119:149, (The Passion Translation.)

I come up for air, because I have to, but I wish I could stay , and be like the fish. If only I had gills…

Floating life away, my ears hear hollow sounds, and they are tickled as bubbles of air enter them.. all is full of quiet. It is serene.. I could fall asleep here, and drift from dock to center of the lake… carried by the waves, and the current possibly forever.. it is my happy place. It feels more natural to swim than to walk about on the earth surface.

The sky overhead seems like there are a million possibilities for the day. And yet… I don’t want let this time pass me by.. it is good to allow my body to still, listen to my breathing… let go… release the angst….be present for the present which is now… here..

Reflect on all that has happened.. Give thanks for rescue and restoration.

The living water is here all around me, and I’m held in the grip of its supportive embrace. It’s cool on my skin, it softens my hair, and cools the sweat from my body.

I never want to leave. I’m escaping to another world filled with wonder.

Contemplating next strokes, as my eyes are lifting heavenword, thankful for the final closing of my house this week. Such a relief… it still feels quite foreign. How to come down from all that has occurred. It takes concentration of relaxation to let go… be willing to start anew, whatever that means..

“ Your promises are the source of my bubbling joy; the revelation of your word thrills me like one who has discovered hidden treasure.” Psalm 119:162,( The Passion Translation.)

I am stunned to be on the other side of a flood of water that caused such havoc within my home, to realizing I can still feel comfort in water that can both destroy and heal…such a paradox of emotions.

Love and hate, cruelty and kindness, young and old. The opposites of what I thought they would be. Always the student, there is much to learn within every destabilizing precipice of cliff that you cling to.

“ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. “ Romans 8:38 ( New International Version)

This verse alone is the insurance verse . It’s a verse I’ve prayed over my sons, my daughter. It’s the reassurance that I cling to no matter what.

Only Jesus could have taken what was disastrous and broken, and made something new. He is the creator, it’s what He does. It’s His nature.

He only asked that I trust him in the middle of the muck and rubble. He asked me to see beyond the chaos, and expect the miracle of restitution. He asked me to believe, to not let go, even when the evidence of much that surrounded me felt impossible.

I was frightened. I had nightmares. I still do. When I have a good dream, I wake up astonished, and attempt to capture the brief elusive happiness, as it drifts out of thought and mind, like a game of cat and mouse.

I’m saying it.. I am thankful for the flood of waters that brought much destruction to my home. He has restored my house to better than it was before. It was not my superior planning, or expertise .. no.. it was God. He had the plan. I did not.

There were priceless items that I was saving that were allowed to be swallowed up and drowned in the basement that became the grave yard of my past. My daughter’s wheelchair leaned on its side like an archaic monument that no longer held any place in this world.

It needed to come to a watery grave apparently, or I may not have ever had the courage to let it go. God knew, but me, not so much.

The fridge floated by, the deep freezer leaned in an unnatural fashion, opened photo albums taunted me trying to break my resolve, my hope, but it was not destroyed.

I was held, by Him. He did not let me go under for too long, without reaching deep, and scooping up my frailty, and offering my choking lungs of misaligned self sufficiency to the life giving oxygen that is Him.

This is no mistake. This is the “ beauty from ashes.” It astonishes my mind how much He cares about the minute details.

I’ve been re-reading “ Braving The Wilderness,” by Brene Brown.. It seemed appropriate given the location.. It gives much valued guidance, and reads easily. It is candid, and I find her research on humans fascinating.

When I flip my bible open, it inevitably leads to the Psalms. King David inspires me with his hearts’ cry when he wrote them. I can identify with his lamenting, and his joy, and satisfaction, and wrestling, and yearning to know more through the poetry of these writings.. He wished to be seen, and to know his creator. I seek to grasp that thin thread as well, and for a good long moment bask like sunlight on the porch on a warm summers’ day, and be filled with God’s presence in that sacred dance.

“Be still my heart” The face of my daughter from an old photograph gives me courage.. she was so brave. I can’t adequately express just how much.

Memories pour forth, and cascade down the rocks, and into the lake of what was before. There are so many who have passed by this spot, and when I swim, it is their presence that I feel beside me pushing me forward, their hearts beating with mine.. a combined rhythm that is music in my head.. I listen to my heartbeat in my ears like a tiny drum.

Liquid refreshment, meant to be consumed, and life giving. The water without, which supports and holds me, the Living water breathes life. Also the kind I can drink from my space on the dock..

Thankfulness to contemplate all that was before.. All that my God brought me through.

Missing my sons too, and praying for their wellbeing.. hoping to be with them soon, where they are. To be reunited with loved ones.

Reflecting on Gods’ goodness, and looking forward to where He steers my ship next…. it is well with my soul.

The hope for today, a new day, a welcoming morning, waking in the still of the day, the air that fills my nose, the cotton pillow beneath my head and being surrounded by love, and continuous grace that I cannot escape, nor would I want to, even if I could. The rain that slides onto the leaves, moisture that sinks below, and melts into the blanket of pine needles… so soft and fragrant.

Praying for loved ones that are suffering with disease, and heartache, and grief, hoping with them for the healing, and renewal of themselves, waiting for strings of miracles to behold, for the mountain to move, for the strength to endure what is, and the courage to be held no matter what .

God said .. “ I will never leave you or forsake you..”

Hanging onto His promises like a floating life ring which will not sink.

He will restore my soul, and He will hide it in the cleft of the rock…these mighty ones that are so strong, and yet have been molded by the constant lapping of waves against them. Sprigs of a tree begin, and somehow the strength of that tiny plant grows through the rock, and flourishes. How determined…such an example of never giving up.

A place to lay my head…where once hers has been… such an honor.