Jilly Brandon

“And the greatest of these is love…”  This is by far my most favorite phrase of all time.  Yes, it happens to be located in the bible, but even if it wasn’t, it just resonates so completely with me, and I find myself thinking about it, yearning for it, and running after it on a continual basis.  It really encompasses this life for me.

When I think about love, so many things come to mind.  One will risk all for true love, for a chance to find it, to capture it, to embrace it.  It can be an elusive thing that is for sure.  it is apparent to me that often one does not choose whom one loves, and falling in love is referred to in this manner, because that is just what occurs, one “falls.”  It is the act of letting go, being out of control, being vulnerable.  The person that you fall for can come in various forms.  I do think also that one can fall in love with things, and inanimate objects at times, and while I don’t think the latter brings much soul satisfaction, it does happen, and often a person does not realize that the “thing” that they love and fall for cannot truly love them back, by the time this is realized, it can be too late, and love has been wasted.  When we love, we are vulnerable, it cannot be  if we are not.  This is scary, because we don’t like giving up control, we want  to hold the controls, and when you truly fall in love with someone, all of that is given away…you give them your trust, even with our children I believe this happens.  The moment we realize we love someone, we have nightmares about losing them..it is torture.

“Love is patient, Love is kind,  It does not envy, It does not boast, It is not proud, It does  not dishonor others, It is not self seeking, It is not easily angered, Love keeps no record of wrongs, Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth, Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres, love never fails.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love will cause our hearts to melt, our hearts to break, our hearts to yearn, and I think finally….our hearts to stop beating.  To be loved  fully and completely just as we are, with all of our scars and imperfections, I believe is the cry of each and everyone of us.  We worry that we will not be enough, and often we strive for physical satisfaction in our physical exteriors, our shells.  We think if we just had the perfect face, hair, and physique then we would be loved, after all, how could we not achieve this?  Isn’t this the deep down reason why we do these things, truly, if we were honest with ourselves…truly?  I’m always just dumbfounded just how  much effort people put into being “healthy”.  We feel proud when we eat right, exercise, look attractive, but so often, so little emphasis, or time is devoted to what is  going on underneath our flesh. What makes us tick?  What drives us to do the things we do?  What are we really trying to achieve?  If at the central core of us we are not looking to be loved, then I cannot see the reason for all of the effort.  Love causes us to risk so much.  We give our hearts away to another, our loved ones, friends, children, parents, spouses.  To love is to give away, you cannot keep it for yourself, and to just love yourself is not very satisfying.  While I do think that one has to be able to love and respect oneself before loving another, I wonder if there is too much emphasis on self love of late…just pondering this…now don’t get all mad.  These are just my thoughts, I didn’t say they had to be yours did I?

Since I am awake a lot throughout the night, and it’s quiet and dark, it has become my think and pray time.  The first people on my list of prayers are always those I love.  This seems natural, this seems right.  Then when those loved  ones are checked off the list, I wrack my brain for all of those others that I said I would pray for, and then..um…forgot. After that,  I hurriedly pray for them, kind of apologizing the whole way through and  wondering if they already are past their  crisis, had their operation, or aware that I didn’t keep my prayer word….ha…I fall down, I don’t keep my word, I don’t always love  the way I want to, and for that I have regret.

I want to love well.  I want to love better.  I was married 25 years ago today…..oh my…how did I get here? I guess while insomnia is annoying, it also causes me to be reflective, and my mind is rewinding through the past 25 years of my life.  I am overwhelmed… There is so much to think about.  To say that I have no regrets would be a big ole fat lie, so I won’t say that !  However I will say that those I have loved, and still do love, there is  no looking back, there is no wishing that I loved another.  I am so humbled that these dear souls have come into my life and enriched it immeasurably.  It has made these last 25 years full to overflowing, my “love cup” is full, and I am grateful.  I have felt loved, I have felt treasured, and I have felt seen, and accepted.

I know that I will never regret loving fully, and I look forward to honoring those in my life that I love.  I am moving through I guess what us referred to as multiple grief stages, I don’t really know, only that it feels as if I am somewhat in a fog, and often times it appears as if I’m seeing my life from far away.  The day we were married was a cold day in January, and I love the snow, so decided I would pray for snow for  our wedding.  Apparently I should have been more specific, as we ended up with quite a large snowfall, and found ourselves in a blizzard the night before.  It was a beautiful day, but several of our guests had difficulty navigating through the weather.  It has been a ride, a journey of epic ups and downs, there has been loss of lives,  but also victories along the way, and even though at times, the hurt seems to outweigh the happiness, there is hope, there is always that…..and so I celebrate today…as a day of joy, of fulfillment…and with a thankful heart I pray for my tomorrows, for all of our tomorrows.

Life I filled with so much color, so much light, and those loved ones that bring these these precious jewels to us are utterly priceless.  I hold them in reverence close to my heart, and feel so undeserving that they would love me..but I am so glad that they do…